Why do I like to tell about my cancer?
Why should I leave a trace, fix on the paper the emotions, that my soul wanted to forget?
The long-term mental and physical sufferings forced me to think, gave me important lessons.
Here is the deep meaning: to review some aspects of my life and to try to improve myself, to listen myself.
When you find out you have cancer, the time stops. Suddenly you are no longer the same as before, the things are not the same as before, the life changes perspective. The time expands, marked only by commitments in the hospital and the sleepless nights, shifts the focus of social life. “Finally” , the priority is you, with your broken body that does not give you well-being but suffering, it is screaming to be heard.
The suspended time was useful to stop in the pits to fix my jammed biological machine and I found out I was not alone. The army around me worked hard with professionalism and affection, and I realized how full and rewarding my life is. I stopped to complain about nonsense.
Time remains suspended or at least I felt so, suspended while waiting to get its articulation in the daily gestures, in the family and at work.
Suspended to teach you that the race had no sense and that while running you have lost the sight of essential.
The essential, which translates in one word: live.
If you think you have the second chance as a gift, it is not the ultimate time, it is the new one, and the courage you need is: accept your suspended time and waiting for the new era with a new consciousness.
I do not think I have become wiser if there have been changes, and there have been, but these cannot be seen from outside.
My body has regained its forms and I am happy. When the pain caused by the expanders after the first intervention did not give me respite, I remember being asked if it was worth it, now I can say yes, it was. When I am getting dressed I do not need to disguise, I feel secure with my appearance, I am more or less the same Marta as before.
My life will not undergo obvious upheavals into the eyes of others, the changes are within me. Now I understand the words of the surgeon who examined me before the demolitive operation.
It is true I am happy now, but I am the same, I do not go around with the low-cut dresses even now.
Cancer has helped me to accept my limitations, my being human to pay attention to the little things in life, to put myself at the first place. This is a completely new type of exercise for me, I have always been extremely accommodating, I had to learn to not put the needs of others above my own.
It happened very often that I have a thousand things to do before completing the list and planned to take some time for me. Everything had to be perfect to be able to have fun and this happened very rarely.
Now I can wait for the dust balls rolling on the floor like shrubs in the old west before feeling guilty.
I learned to send annoying people to hell more lightly, if they do not understand this is their problem.
My only regret is that I had to ill severely to learn how to do it.
A commandment teaches, “love your neighbor as yourself”.
That is the difference: as yourself, not more.
From this perspective not having care of oneself is a sin against one’s own person.
The mirror is no longer an enemy, I am more or less back to the person I was before, but the still evident scars remind me that it is better to make peace with cellulite and not so flat belly and just concentrate on the important things and try to live the life I would like to.
Giving an importance to the little everyday things and try not waste my time racing against time, which hindered so many times, and now I am sure, to taste the beauty around me. If for thinking more of myself I should learn to say no, I will do even if it means disappointing someone.
Now looking back to my terrible year I start to see the sense, from all over the abyss of terror a good thing came out for me.
I can help other women affected by cancer to not be afraid to fight, never give in to pessimism, never give up.
You can fight cancer, the strength to do this is within us.
Cancer is a living thing, know it helps to accept to not be overwhelmed by fear to fight it.
It is easier to learn to know ourselves in this fight, to think and to learn lessons that you can apply to your everyday life.
As my companion in adventure said to me:
“We are women. It is not me to find the force, it is the force to find me”.
Chiara